Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photos by Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images, HBO and Santiago Felipe/Getty Images
It’s been a little over a year considering that Daniel Craig — the other half of the stunning, gifted, Academy Award–winning starlet Rachel Weisz — chose to hang up his cuff links as the careless, womanizing, undependable rogue representative James Bond. Because time, speculation has actually installed about who will fill his calfskin size 45 Crockett & Jones oxfords.
Sadly, the franchise’s enduring manufacturers, Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson, have not yet really wore their thinking caps. Of an interview with range, they stated it’s still “early days” and the franchise is taking “a number of years off,” however they did set out a couple of Bond essentials they’re trying to find in their next match. They desire somebody to do it for a very long time, they desire somebody who isn’t Idris Elba (“So he’s most likely believing, Do I truly desire that thing?” Broccoli stated, without exposing if they in fact simply … asked him), and they desire somebody worth the huge financial investment. got it.
However what they have yet to state is “You understand, what if we attempted something brand-new, what if we believed outdoors package?” Which’s what I’m here for, to open my classified files and use my own professional tips for the brand-new 007. (See my credentials here, hereand here.) You’re welcome ahead of time. If this works out, next we’ll do bad guys, beginning with Daniel Kaluuya.
It bears duplicating that this list is categorizedso please do not leave it ignored in a safe in Florida where any FBI representative can discover it after getting a confidential suggestion.
Birth Place: Elderslie, UK (aka Scotland)
Strengths: He’s good-looking, which suggests his court card will not be decreased while attempting to penetrate roped-off locations or charm unwary, defenseless damsels. He does not have a middle name, which is odd however really Bond-like. He likewise looks damn excellent in a match. I indicate, he essentially examined for 007 in his television miniseries bodyguard. You’re not slick, Richie. I see you.
Weak Points: He is not familiar with his environments. I indicate, simply Google “Richard Madden Froy Gutierrez Italy.”
Bottom Line: He is a really safe option, and safe is tiring. Is he hot? yes. Does he look excellent emerging from the water with his t-shirt off? Likewise yes. On an uncommonly warm autumnal day when the breeze captures the gray streak in his hair and it kisses his forehead carefully do I wish to melt? Definitely. However undoubtedly we can do much better.
Age: 34 (most likely)
Birth Place: Some penthouses in the United States
Strengths: He’s not British, so, like, who is going to think he’s working for MI6? Precisely, nobody. Q will not have a problem with Roman due to the fact that he’s terrific with gizmos and electronic devices. Did he unintentionally send his daddy a cock photo? Yes, however it was one time! Did he explode a rocket? Technically no, however every business requires a fall person. This representative will finish all his objectives in no time (with a little grumbling), and he wo n’t be sidetracked by womanly wiles due to the fact that, well — even if.
Weak Points: He’s not British. The other representatives would resemble, “U wot m8?” and his cover would be blown. Plus, the entire rocket thing was type of a mess in fact.
Bottom Line: You understand, not everybody is cut out for MI6. Perhaps he must simply take his daddy’s cash and open an art gallery. All the talentless New York City nepo children are doing it.
Birth Place: Vancouver, Canada
Strengths: The manufacturers were determined that the prominent function of James Bond is a “10- to twelve-year dedication.” Who much better to honor that dedication than an acclaimed real kid? I indicate what else is he providing for the next years? He would have the ability to reoccur unsuspectingly due to the fact that the majority of people are too relying on of kids — which they should not be! Have you never ever seen The Great Child with Macaulay Culkin and Elijah Wood? or orphan with that frightening li’l lady who is in fact a grown lady? or Jon & Kate Plus 8? Fuck them kids.
Weak Points: Cannot reach high racks. How is he expected to conserve the nation when he can’t even reach on top of the fridge?
Bottom Line: Perhaps not the very best option. Hmmm, if just there was a spy-movie franchise that starred kids.
Age: A sensuous 48
Birth Place: Bromham, UK
Strengths: Where do I begin? Never ever has actually there ever been somebody so commanding, so devastatingly captivating, so up for anything, and I indicate anything, as Sir Matt Berry. He is the mom I never ever had, the sibling anyone would desire. Plus, his character Lazlo in What We Carry Out In the Shadows notoriously stated, “Gay in. gay is hot. I desire some gay. Gay it’s gonna be.” So could we have our really first LGBTQ+ Bond? I believe so!
Weak Points: N/A
Bottom Line: What function can’t Matt Berry play? His file has actually been transferred to the top of the stack with $ 20 paper-clipped to it.
Birth Place: Neptune Town, New Jersey
Strengths: Danny DeVito is no complete stranger to mixing in with his environment. I indicate, have you seen twins? Oscar. Emmy. Tony. Grammys. Teenager Option Award. He’s amusing, resourceful, and most significantly, hot!
Weak Points: Being from New Jersey. Likewise, he’s four-ten, so getting in and out of an Aston Martin might be a problem.
Bottom Line: Uncle Danny might be a bit more cut out for the bad guy functions. I like Colin Farrell, however his Penguin will never ever determine up to Danny’s. (That seems like a euphemism, however it’s not.)
Birth Place: Austin, Texas
Strengths: he’s actually so hot.
Weak Points: being too hot. This is a genuine issue in the hot neighborhood that a great deal of us have actually been experiencing in silence. However say goodbye to!
Bottom Line: He’s not British, however he work white, so I question individuals will discriminate or care!
Birth Place: Hammersmith London, UK
Strengths: He’s six-three, which is not too high however likewise not too brief. he’s very hot and can reach atop the fridge. He is British. He likewise has terrific arms. I am in fact moving his file to the top of this stack with $ 100 paper-clipped to it.
Weak Points: Is not wed to me.
Bottom Line: There is just one guy who is really still in the running towards ending up being Britain’s Next Supersecret Representative, and it’s him. Congratulations.
Not to be neglected, a couple of runner-ups:
Regé-Jean Page: I indicate, we saw what occurred when a mermaid was Black! Plus, he has no charm — carrying on.
Huge Patel: I believe he can finish the job, however I do not wish to see him in hazard — my heart can’t take it.
Ezra Miller: Who much better to dedicate criminal activities for the federal government?